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I need help with depression/child custody

Russ Turcotte

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So my name is Russel Turcotte. I just found this forum and just made my profile, this is my first time doing something like this, I am not very good at expressing myself but ill do my best.

I turn 30 in 7 days. Its been a long depressing 30 years. I have accomplished very little in my own eyes. I have a 6 year old son whos life I missed out on not by choice but because his mother wont let me.

I grew up wanting to be a family man, I always cared more for others than myself. I achieved happiness making other people happy. Always dreamed about finding love and having my own family to support.

I lost everything when the mother and I broke up. My credit was bad so the home we had was in her name, we had a dog together, a vehicle and our newborn son. She kicked me out of my own home that i was paying but it was in her name. I ended up being homeless in Alberta. Sleeping under a bridge or in a field or in a shelter when i was able to secure a bed.

Hopelessly still inlove i followed her trying to keep my family together but she and her mother used the fact I was not willing to let go and do whatever it takes to make it work. She and her mother wrote up the child custody agreement and told me it was only incase things didnt work out. This agreement included only 1 witnessed visitation every 2 weeks at some government place and pay $500 a month (back when i made good money in the oil fields)

Even the lady at the court house witnessing me sign this had this emotion in her face that she felt i was being used and she could see i still loved her and was only signing it because she wanted me too.

As soon as i signed it everything went down the drain. Her mother was an alchoholic who i did not see eye to eye with. She had my ex and my son move to her property where i was not able to step foot on. She was also the one who had the agreement made and told my ex to have me sign it. The visitations were gaurded by 2 people watching you play with your child, you cant even take photos, i felt like a criminal when i did absolutely nothing wrong to deserve any of it. After i grew an addiction i stopped seeing my son as even then i believed i wasnt good enough but there she was living with her alchoholic family.

She would tell me he wasnt my son or other hurtful things when she got mad. I was the first person to change my sons diapers and I wanted nothing more to be there every chance i could. After being kicked out i lost my job, my ex would belittle me, tell me im not worthy to be in my sons life or that he wasnt my son in the first place. i slept under bridges and in fields, i grew an addiction being homeless for drugs. My life did a complete 180 and i gave up.

That is until the fire happened in fort mcmurray and forced me back home to ontario. I lost all connections to my son. The mother does not let me see him or speak to him. I was homeless for a long time, jobless even. Depressed hiding in a room at my parents. Beaten to nothing. The debt added up and added up for child support i could not afford. My anxiety and depression fighting me from doing anything about it. For years i would try to get into my sons life. She would not let me. She would tell me once you start paying your debt i will think about you talking to him but i refuse to tell him your the father. To this day he does not know im the father. Even when i drove 2000 miles to see him a few years ago she would not let me tell him who i was.

She now wants me to give up my rights in exchange she lets the debt get washed away. I am not ready to give up. Quite the opposite, Im ready to fight. I have been clean for 3 years and been getting my life together. I am ready to fight for my rights. Im ready to fight for my son but i cant do that without a lawyer. And now with covid It is hard to find work. I thought about making a gofundme to help cover legal fees and fight for my son but I dont know where to begin. I came here looking for help and advice.

Please help me get my life back !
Im not good at checking replys on forums but i check my email everyday.
My email is russelturcotte@gmail.com

If i missed something and something doesnt make sense and i need to edit in some more information let me know. Like i said I'm not very good at expressing myself. I have been hiding in a shell for many years

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Hi Russ, 

 If you used your email to sign up for this forum then you should be able to read this reply.

I am sorry to hear about all this. And one should never give up the thought or desire of having a father/son relationship.

I am familiar with the road of addiction. It ends up being filled with a lot of pain and regret. To be honest not many make an escape out of addiction specially the hard substances meth and the like. I guess the pain and regret drives them back to use for a momentary enjoyment that usually leaves one feeling guilting, more regretful and ends up alienating you from everyone around you because it is a very selfish way of life and very destructive to you. 

But you said you've been clean for 3 years. so let me start there. Obviously you choose to express yourself on this christian site. So, what is your relationship with God like, church life, etc? what was your life like growing up? Do have any of these thing from your past?

The reason I mention this is because wherever our life is today is all we have to work with, but it is only a snapshot in a moment of time. You may not like the picture you see, but it doesn't have to stay the same.  And there is one who can change tomorrows picture, and the next day, and the next year...etc. which is your Creator.

What picture is it you would like your son to see, your folks to see, siblings and friends to see in the future? A godly man, a good man, a hard working man who has the ability to provide stability for himself and then others. Or to be even satisfied with some catching a picture of you headed in that direction.

There is a verse in the bible that says, "Not that I have already reached the goal or am already perfect, but I make every effort to take hold of it because I also have been taken hold of by Christ Jesus. Brothers and sisters, I do notA consider myself to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and reaching forward to what is ahead, 14I pursue as my goal the prize promised by God’s heavenly call in Christ Jesus. forgetting what is behind" Philippians 3:12-14 

That is the picture you need to be ready for when it is taken so most likely there is a lot to do to get there. And it can be an excited journey with times of pain and disappointments too, but a least you are heading the right way, And at the end of the day you can have the joy you are choosing to go the right way. You expressed in your letter that the direction you have been heading has not been a happy or good one. 

 It doesn't make a difference what anyone thinks about your life where it stands today. God can redeem the time that sin has destroyed and your personality which has been destroyed by wrong actions and hurt of others. I have seen Him do it to many times to count.

But all of it starts with a relationship with Jesus. There is no magic words I know even though we all wished/hope we can find that one word to fix everything, But knowing Jesus and the gift God gave to you to die for the forgiveness of your sins is the open door to a new life.

Sinning and sins are nasty things that stand as obstacles in our life, but you can overcome them with God's help. Many here can encourage you in that relationship, and give you insight into it and maybe even some practical advice, but it has to begin with you and end with God. 

Lastly, when we experience the feeling of depression many times it can mean we are not approaching life correctly. And not because we are stupid, but because we don't know how life works. Depression is not just for the down and outers it happens to the wealthy, the famous, and the powerful. All can experience it the same. You see God is eternal and His ways can not be moved, but if we think we can pursue life some other way then how he designed it, well, you are going suffer. The harder you push against it with your own wrong or selfish ways and wrong thinking the harder it presses back on you. God will not be moved.

Docs can diagnosis the symptom of depression biologically or symptomatically and even prescribe medication but that can't get you to change your ways. Again It can't get you to stop thinking the wrong things and stop you from producing bad behavior that ultimately is making you unhappy. Medication can have an affect on your body chemistry, but to find the joy in life people are looking for it his only found in Him. Jesus said, I am the way, the truth and the life and no man can know the Father (the paternal being) in which everything comes except through Jesus. If you have bible start reading in the gospel those are the first 4 books in the new testament. It was when Jesus was walking on this earth and his activities and what he said was was recorded in these 4 books.  

Hope to hear more about you Russel. Where in ontario are you presently living those provinces are big?


Edited by Mark Balicki
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